Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Oh honey, he'll scream like a little girl

I think a tour of Edmonton area graveyards must be had when Jay returns. Heather wants to see him scream like a little girl, and that he shall. We'll watch Saw, and that movie with the meowing Japanese kid, and then we'll go to the graveyard. Jason has cleverly devised a plan to save himself from all girl oriented torment, but I for one don't see it being successful. I simply don't know where one would find a trained gay wolverine in Alberta. Gay things are illegal here.

Bäjs! says:
lol, no way.. i know that graveyard is haunted and has murderers.. i feel safer in a bad part of peru.
ohh we're going...what are you gonna do, throw yourself out of my car at 130km/h? lol
i think i'm gonna go round researching creepy graveyards...i'll take you on a tour when you get back
Bäjs! says:
dibs out
Bäjs! says:
i go on no tours
you wont know! i'll tell you we're going to a movie, and then bam! graveyards it will be
Bäjs! says:
shit.. i´ll bring something with me that´ll allow me to bargain my freedom.. like a trained wolverine
yes, because i won't notice when you try to put a trained wolverine into my car
Bäjs! says:
nah.. they can hide in backpacks
Bäjs! says:
i´ll just say its my man purse
Bäjs! says:
you know.. make up.. tampons.. the usual stuff men have in a purse
i'll get you smashed, steal your manpurse, take your debit card (because i remember you telling me your pin, lol), free the wolverine, and then graveyards it will be
Bäjs! says:
.. nah its trained, itll save me from all girl oriented torment
and anyways, i'll find it a girl wolverine. being a male, its desire for sex will greatly outweigh its desire to save you from all girl oriented torment
Bäjs! says:
.. nah, he´ll be gay
good luck finding a gay wolverine in things are illegal here!
Bäjs! says:
ill go to bc .. they´re really liberal there
ohhh did agree to come to vancouver with me...i'm going to have to monitor your wolverine stealing activities
Bäjs! says:
i´ll get in from south america
i'll report you to csis, for smuggling contraband gay wolverines into alberta
Bäjs! says:
.. nah, they wont believe a non citizen
i'll get naz on my side...shes canadian
Bäjs! says:
.. doesnt matter.. its like buying beer for underage kids.. if they´re standing beside you.. they get id´d too
i have status! i met alec baldwin and ate lunch beside jason priestly!
Bäjs! says:
do you have proof?
Bäjs! says:
thats like the underage kid saying I have pubes, and a beard!

See the extent to which he's willing to go to avoid the graveyard? Oh Heather, I guarantee you he'll scream like a little girl. I'm really lucky he doesn't read my blog. He'd probably hurt me for advertising the fact that he's a pansy at heart and screams at scary things, and for posting that conversation on the internet. Oh well, he's in Bolivia, I'm not too concerned. With that, I think I will go to bed. Or bathe, at least, given that I'm dirty like Naz. At least I know where Rome is.

I caught you a delicious bass, St. Albert!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

'Twas a Night to Remember

Well well well. Last night certainly was a night to remember. I came home from work last night to find my house overrun with people I don't know, seeing as my parents decided to host a catered Christmas party. With Thai food from the King and I, it was a resounding success I'd say. At any rate, I get the leftovers, which is really all that matters. I think maybe I should email Jason and tell him that I have many ziplock containers full of Thai food from the King and I sitting in my fridge. I wonder what he'd say to that? Only time will tell.

Speaking of Jason, he was the cause for last night's 'pilgrimage' to Morinville. Heather and I decided to drive up there to take some pictures of the ridiculously creepy graveyard that Jay and I discovered in the summer. It was just as creepy the second time around. I drove up to it, angled the car across the street as I did last time, and with the headlights shining through the trees onto the headstones, Heather and I decided that we weren't brave enough to actually get of the car to take a picture. We drove to the Sobey's parking lot to regather and restrategize, and went back. This time, pictures were taken, and we actually drove through the graveyard (ahh the line of headstones). Heather's comments about the headless horseman didn't really help the freak out factor at all. It really is the most frightening graveyard I think I've ever been to! And I have a lot of dead relatives. I've seen many graveyards.

Well, with our graveyard mission complete, we took a picture of us standing outside Rednex, just for good measure. And the idea of a photo diary was born. Needless to say, the title and theme of this was "A Night to Remember". I don't think Jason understands the significance of this, but that's probably a good thing. We spent the next 2 hours driving round Morinville taking pictures...

1 of me standing outside a Beauty Parlour with my hair done (heh)
1 of Heather walking towards the Morinville Credit Union
1 of Heather withdrawing $200 from the Morinville Credit Union
1 of Heather and I outside Rednex
1 of Heather and I standing by the La Maison Inn, by the sign that says 'Weddings' (we had veils made out of tp)
2 of us at our wedding reception at McDonalds
2 of Heather standing outside the Morinville Hotel, beckoning me in
1 of a closed door (the night to remember)
1 of me walking up to our honeymoon RV (it even had a bow!)
1 of me standing by a sign that read "2 bdrm house for sale. Legal"
1 of me standing outside the Remax office, pondering the listings
1 of Heather and I outside our new 2 bdrm home in Legal
1 of Heather, pregnant, struggling to get out of my car
1 of a very pregnant Heather walking towards the emergency room of the Sturgeon
1 of the resulting baby triplet gorillas
A few of me surfing on a shopping cart, just for good measure

That was the night to remember. Somewhere in there, we went to Mac's for some food. We were hungry. All-consuming fear while parked by a graveyard really does take a lot of energy! We spent like 20 minutes walking round Mac's (the one place in Morinville thats open 24-hours) and I think Tanvir, the employee on duty, was becoming rather agitated at our failure to just buy something and leave. It wouldn't have been so bad if Heather hadn't wanted one of everything she saw. We then enjoyed a picnic in the Mac's parking lot. All in all, it was a great evening, and I think Jay shall be suitably delighted at his gift. As Heather said, "he better pee his pants with appreciation." He can start peeing now. On second thought, no. I don't think I really need to know when he does that.

With that, I'm going to go and study for my last two finals tomorrow. Ohh the relief that shall be felt tomorrow night. Until then, goodnight, St. Albert!

Saturday, December 11, 2004

The fine art of procrastination...and a Chelebrity

That would be what I am doing right now. Procrastinating. I'm also eating gingerbread cookies iced with Toblerone, and a few Quality Street. I'm so glad I'm making productive use of my time. Today was Gabby's last day at work. That was sad...she's going to El Salvador, of which I am jealous. I want to go to El Salvador! Actually, anywhere but here would be nice. Preferably somewhere warm though, and somewhere I can enjoy good company...and maybe something else....LOL...the dots are there for a reason. (note to Heather: that was the worst code EVER!)

Anyways. For those of you who are interested, Heather and I managed to go for Midnight Mcflurries the other night without my car dying! It was quite a momentous occasion indeed, whose significance is hampered only by the fact that I bought a new battery for my car after it died last time. Because, as I have said before, dead things are funny. My dead car was certainly amusing...who knew that you could fry both yourself AND your car if you try to jump start it but do it wrong? I really should learn how to boost a car, given that, in the past 2 months, I have been in three different situations where jump starting a car was necessary. The most amusing of these was the time that me, Erin and Mikhaela called Ryan at like 11:30, asking him how to boost a car, because we wanted to drive Erin's old car (the trusty Celebrity, aka 'the Bitch', or, as just discovered by moi, the Chelebrity. Its a nice combination of Chevy and Celebrity. Chelebrity) down Seven Hills because we couldn't find a high school keg party to crash on a Wednesday night. Ryan refused to tell us, and Mike called me an idiot and said that we'd get ourselves killed. Or arrested. Hey, we were planning on wearing seatbelts! Needless to say, the knowledge of jump starting a car would be useful for the next time we plan such an endeavour. I wonder if Metro Community College have classes for that?

With that, I feel that I should go and study. Alas, finals are drawing ever closer...they are but 5 days away! Stay classy, St. Albert! (and good luck on exams for those writing) :)

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Long time, no post

The above could be taken two ways. Its been a long time. I have had no post (by post, I mean email). Conversely, its also been a long time since I posted. As Heather says, I've been blogulally delinquent lately...I haven't posted since October 13th. I shall have to rectify this. I never liked the word rectify. It always looked too much like rectum for me to be comfortable with.

As Heather mentioned in her blog, Pierre Berton died. Pierre was Naz and I's best friend. We will miss him dearly. He was even cooler than Pierre Trudeau, and for that we are forever grateful. Anyways, I will briefly recount the details of the past 2 months since I have posted.

Number of times my car has run out of gas: 3
Number of times my car has died in the middle of the night: 2
Number of times Heather has been with me while my car died in the middle of the night: 2
Number of times Pierre Berton died: 1
Number of times I've been hit on by random creepy guy in my psych 241 class: 7
Number of times I've played monopoly: 0 (this is unfortunate, I will have to rectify this also. Anyone up for a game?)
Number of times I've worn reindeer antlers in public: 1
Number of times I've been asked where I bought said reindeer antlers: 1
Number of times I've watched Days of our Lives: 15
Number of times I've wished Gabriela a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart: 8
Number of customers I've hissed at while at work: 4
Number of times I've worred about having a flesh eating disease: 0 (although this can't be said for Naz..."have you heard about the flesh eating disease? I hear theres an outbreak! Caused by some sort of microbe, apparently.")
Number of cancer scares: 1 (its been a good month)
Number of squirrels seen having sex on campus: 2
Number of times I've found Naz hiding behind a tree in quad: 1
Number of times I've listened to 'Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays': 1 (but its only December 2nd)
Number of orgasmic experiences I've had on the south side with Megan: 1

All in all, I'd say its been a pretty eventful couple of months. From now on, I shall try to post more regularly. I just got pretty caught up with work and school for a while there. And I got lazy. But mostly just busy with work and school. Not so much lazy. 97% busy with work and school. 3% lazy. With that, I must hit the books. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Days go by, I can feel them flying like my hand out the window as the cars go by

The above is a line from a song. A Keith Urban song. B-rad (aka Dr. Looooove) inspired me to buy the new cd, Be Here. Its a most excellent cd, I must say, and I'd recommend it to any country music fans out there. Becky and I talked about the name Keith today. We decided that we don't really like it. I mean, Keith Urban's name is cool because his last name is Urban, and that is definitely cool enough to cover the fact that his first name is Keith (or Keitherd, as I want to say so often.) Keith Fredin just suits the name Keith. He just wouldn't be the same by any other name! But apart from that, we don't like the name Keith.

Speaking of Keith Urban reminds me of country music, which reminds me of B-rad. B-rad and I went for coffee on Monday night (or Montag nacht, to any German speakers who may be reading this) and had a rather amusing conversation about bras. B-rad will hurt me if he were ever to read this, but he never checks my blog so I'm not overly concerned. He was like "I can undo a bra with one hand in like 2 seconds. Jay taught me how to do it", to which I replied "he TAUGHT you?" Brad simply said "yah, he showed me how to do it." Well, this conjured up images of the two boys with a bra, taking it in turns to wear said bra, and practicing taking it off each other. I laughed rather hard about this. B-rad made me promise never to tell another living soul. I think maybe its true. Well probably not, but the boys in bras is an amusing mental image.

On a different front, my car ran out of gas on Monday. I rolled out of bed, wearing my neon pink and orange leopard print pyjama pants and a white tank top, to drive my brother to work. I didn't take my purse or cellphone because I thought I'd be home in 10 minutes. Boy was I wrong. I was just driving along 142nd Street, right before 167th Ave, when my car starts to shudder. Shortly after that, the gas pedal kind of stops working. My car ran out of gas and died on the side of the road. Remember when I said dead things were funny? Well my car was one dead thing that wasn't all that amusing. I thought "no problem, I'll just call my dad to come get me." Wrong again, smartass! No purse, no cellphone, boy was I screwed. I had no choice but to run across the street, dodging cars travelling at speeds in excess of 100 km/h, to flag down a car and ask to use a phone. Well eventually, I get home, get my car filled up again, and I'm good to go. But I'm sure it must have been an amusing sight to see some moron in leopard print pyjamas trying to flag down cars on a secondary highway at 10am.

I think thats enough excitement for one day. I think I might head over to Superstore at Clareview now. Grocery shopping always promises a good time. Have a good night, St. Albert. Stay classy...B-rad is still looking for a dryer to have sex on. You don't want that dire consequence to befall you. :)

Friday, October 08, 2004

Oh Georgie!

Yesterday, I was privileged enough to enjoy an evening with George Stroumboulopoulos at the fine educational institution known as G-Mac (or Grant MacEwan to those of you eloquent enough to call it that.) It was a highly momentous occasion, especially for Heather, who has been noted as saying "I want to do him" over and over again. Hugs were exchanged, pictures were taken, sex was had...okay, well maybe I went a little far. But he is an entertaining speaker. Georgie really knows his shit! His arguments and points were well thought out, and eloquently presented. He would make a fine member on any debate team. Maybe he should start a club.

On a different front, I didn't go to a single class yesterday. Naz is a bad influence. She mentioned to me that George (the one with the cookies, not the one with the really long last name) heals all ills, and that I should go to her apartment instead of going to psych. Well, I didn't need much convincing. 2 hours of Care Bears and 2 cookies later, and all was right with the world again. Speaking of George Stroumboulopoulos, can you imagine signing that? I mean really now. Heather could never marry him because, although he is the man of her dreams and she would retain the same initials even in marriage, she would never have enough room to sign 'Heather Stroumboulopoulos' on the back of a credit card. And it would take forever to sign whenever you wrote a cheque or used your Visa. I mean christ, it takes a minute to even think how to spell it. 17 letters of repetetive confusion, all contained in one last name. And when they print your name on credit and debit cards....would a card even be long enough for that? Heather will be the first person to require super sized credit cards, just so her ridiculously long name will fit.

Mike stabbed Aaron in the leg with a fork today. It was rather entertaining. Ryan, Aaron and myself went to Edo for lunch (don't even get me started on the great pronounciation debate) and then found Mike and sat down on the couches in SUB. Well, as it turns out, Aaron has a particular dislike for broccoli. As a result, he would remove all pieces of broccoli from his beef yakisoba and place them haphazardly in the lid of the container. Well, Ryan and Mike, noticing the broccoli, immediately started to fight over it. I'm glad my friends act like 6 year old children. Ryan was armed with chopsticks, while Mike had a fork. I had some doubt as to which was the more deadly weapon, but the following events erased all doubt from my mind. While battling mercilessly over the one remaining piece of broccoli, Mike wisely employed the 'plunge and stab' tactic. The only trouble was, he raised his fork a little too high while attempting the plunge. He stood up, raised his fork, and brought it crashing down towards the broccoli. But alas, he gave Ryan a little too much time, and Ryan stealthily seized the broccoli from the clutches of Mike's fork. As a result, the fork pierced the lid of the Edo container, and instead went into Aaron's leg. All hell broke loose as Aaron's piercing shriek of pain echoed through the draughty halls of the Students Union Building. And then we laughed at him.

Alright, my dramatic story aside (which, actually, is more or less entirely true), I think its about time for bed. Work tomorrow from 12-7, ohhh what an exciting life I lead. Stay classy, St. Albert, because Brad will come have sex on your dryer if you don't. Please don't let that thought ruin your sweet dreams. Auf wiedersehen :)

Monday, October 04, 2004

I Finally Picked Up My Useless Trade!

I finally picked up the useless trade that Jay has been going on at me to learn. I learned a valuable new skill this weekend. I can undress a women better than any man can. Work was dead on Saturday (which is unusual, given that people usually go shopping on Saturdays) and Danielle and I were bored out of all comprehension. We were getting a bunch of new stock in on Saturday night, so Mona (one of the managers) asked Danielle and I to undress the mannequins in the window. Well, to say that we had great fun doing this would be a rather enormous understatement. I undressed the first mannequin, and I was working on the second when I noticed it was wearing my EXACT outfit. I called Danielle over, and she came to see what I was yelling about and she saw me standing there with my arm around my mannquin twin. Undressing it was like undressing myself. Victoria said "now we know how men feel when they're undressing us!" Creepy. Enough said. Danielle and I then proceeded to dance with our mannequin twins across the front of the store. I only wish I had a rose between my teeth. And a camera.

Just when you thought mannequins couldn't get any more exciting, you were wrong. We then started to seductively undress the mannequins, and flash the customers as they walked past. One mannequin was wearing a suit with no shirt underneath, so I would hide behind said mannequin and open the suit jacket at random spontaneous intervals. Hilarity ensued. Needless to say, all this was a valuable learning experience. Next time I need to undress a woman, I will be able to show off my prowess, thanks to those fine mannequins at Jacob. LOL is all I have to say.

Completely unrelated, I really need to start turning my phone off at night. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, because I worked all weekend and was sick anyways. What time did I get to sleep? 1:3o. Thats right, 1:30. I had been laying in bed for about 40 minutes, and then at 10:15 my phone rings. I fully expected it to be Naz, so I was a little surprised to see that it was B-rad (or Dr. Looooove, or the Grant Mac Daddy if you prefer.) We had a good long chat, during which he told me he was planning to have sex on my dryer. I told him quite simply that noone shall defile my dryer but me, and if I am to ever walk in and catch him in the act, I shall be completely nonchalant and unembarrassed. I will then proceed to say "Brad, we talked about this, remember?" and the girl he's with will be alarmed and leave. All in all, the experience won't end well for Brad. So for all you hopefuls out sex on my dryer!

That being said, I think its about time to go and eat some soup. I enjoy soup with quite a hearty passion. Mmmm dear sweet soup...I shall post soon about Heather and I's adventures at Grant MacEwan with George Stroumboulopoulos on Thursday. Adios!